thepuppyclub:

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(via itsfine2009)

florescent green leaves just
illuminated by the dim
lights
lining
the streets;
like the moon, like this place at noon, it shines on and on and-
into my skin like the smell of roses, sat right by my bed,
the pile of pills i take morning & night and——
my hands are here for you, shaking,
my breath here for you, one of three taking in oxygen,
my fingers for you, pressed inside of me like
the core of planet earth.
womanhood is my geology, not just dips not just cracks not just layers and
slants and the core just barely molten inside.
climb through the ground and this is how you get to me,
make me scream, this is how you hold on to me.
my hair looks like corn silk and feels like cloth silk and
they say i look like an angel, thru it,
to me this is–constructed, deconstructed, capitalized & capitalizing,
shampoo i don’t use conditioner i don’t use, like,
if i could know what it felt like
to be a woman
it would be inside of me.

realizing that taking lots of medications means i am perpetually in the state of just ‘not feeling good’ physically (as well as mentally, obviously), so i need to stop complaining about it bc it doesn’t seem like it will be going away any time soon.

bechdels:

the most fucked up part of adult life is how you can just decide to do things

(via ssasha)

itsfine2009:

my parents thought they were SOOO smart and SOO great at parenting by not allowing my brother and I to use the computer or play video games or watch TV as kids (we were allowed to watch it on Friday & Saturday night only) and guess what? we grew up to be freaks. who are bad at socializing, and very very bad at technology, and incapable of catching up with our peers. Also, we both majored in English in college. Also, i’m gay. All because we weren’t allowed to use the computer. 

i’ve kissed so many people i shouldn’t have recently. i guess kissing anyone is something i shouldn’t do. i guess it’s not so much that i kissed them but they kissed me. but it’s very hard to make that stop once it starts.
i wish i weren’t in love with someone 7,992 miles away, who everyone hates, i wish i weren’t in love at all. how long is it before i become Part of Him, Part of the Him that everyone hates. when do i become un-independent, non-autonomous. 
(speaking of dependent) i wish i didn’t have to take melatonin every night to sleep, it tastes like grape and i hate it. i wish the people who kissed me had no history and no memory and didn’t love my friends and that i was the same and that i could feel the feeling of lips on mine. in the dark. pressing together, at first too dry.
all i can think is that it’s been 2 months since i kissed you and i’m the last person you kissed but you’re not the last person i kissed. you’re still the last person i fucked.

instead of having 7 bad days a week i now am having abt 6 bad nights and only 3 or 4 bad days a week.

this is small but. i am so grateful. so grateful for my friends who send me “i love you” texts even tho i haven’t communicated in weeks. for the friends who stick around no matter how awful i am and how bad things get. who understand and don’t judge me. who reach out to me to spend time with me over and over again no matter how many times i bail because i can’t get out of bed. you have no idea how much that means to me.

i am finally able to push myself to actually do things in a day. to look at a to do list and slowly cross things off, even if it is hard. it is hard for anyone to convince themselves to get work done but i don’t know how to explain what it felt like for months before this. and in times like last night where i fell asleep crying (again) and shaking uncontrollably and wanting to die. but i woke up this morning and i wasn’t dead. 

grateful for antidepressants and health insurance and the stability of my dad’s job and the very few people in my school’s administration who care what happens to me and so so grateful for my parents and so grateful for the professors who gave me incompletes for my classes even though i abruptly stopped responding to their emails and left campus. 

grateful for my friends who deal with me when i use alcohol to self- medicate and am the worst person to be around but still make sure i get home okay and walk me home and text me the next morning. 

grateful for my boyfriend. but not grateful that he stops talking to me once i am no longer convenient. once he does not need me any more and once we are no longer having sex every day. not grateful that he so easily forgets about me, despite everything i have gone through and given up to be with him. 
but beyond grateful for the things listed above that mean i’ll be okay without him, and eventually, better off for not needing him. 

trying to remember that i am lucky for and deserve the good things in my life.